Living in the evangelical world. you learn quickly there’s a focus on “traditional family” roles. It’s also called “living out God’s ideal,” “God’s plan,” or – my favorite – having a “Biblical marriage.” In other words, evangelicals believe there is a preordained designed ideal of marriage and family. I was taught the dangers of single parenting, stay at home dads, divorce, and of course, same-sex marriage.

If you’ve never read the Bible, and if you listen to many Christians, you’d think that Christianity centers on sexual and gender identities and behaviors linked to those identities. You would think that Jesus’s main concern is for you to have traditional relationships in the model of Adam and Eve.

But if you ask any of these Christians what it means to be a follower of Jesus, they would respond with a completely different answer.

They would reply that a Christian is someone who believes or trusts in Jesus Christ, or that Jesus died and rose from the dead for them.

Or they might talk about the greatest commandment to love God and to love others.

Or they may mention possessing the fruit of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. 

Or perhaps they’d point out the big three: faith, hope, and love — the greatest being love. 

In fact, the mention of marital status, sexuality, and gender are astonishingly infrequent in the Gospels and letters of the New Testament. 

But What Does Jesus Say?

When attempting to poke holes in the idea of life after death, a religious leader of a sect, which didn’t believe in the resurrection, asked Jesus about marriage after death. Jesus corrected him, “At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven.” With these words, Jesus was revealing that marriage was temporary, cultural, and of this world (Matthew 22:23-32).

One reason Christians focus so pointedly on traditional marriage is because of a statement Jesus makes in Matthew 19. He was asked about easy divorces (for men) which was instituted under Moses. This form of divorce, which benefited men and was oppressive to women in marriages that didn’t produce children, allowed the man to cast off the “barren” wife and get another with a simple written notice (Deut. 24:1). Jesus, always looking out for the weak and voiceless, condemned this practice. He explains they should follow the example of Adam and Eve — which precedes Moses — “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” (Matthew 19:8-9).

In this passage, Jesus is not creating a prohibition against same sex marriage, as many Christians mistakenly believe. He’s promoting fidelity and commitment — foundational elements of love — to combat the selfishness of a husband’s desire for an easy divorce. Jesus was asked about a loophole in the law, and Jesus closed it, pointing to the responsibility of love.

Paul

Paul addresses some debauched behaviors in his letters, admonishing the people of God to abstain from things like lying, gossip, greed, gluttony, and sexual immorality. From these passages, many have tried to prove that same sex acts and attractions are sin. They are called the clobber passages by some. Again, it is the selfishness, distractedness, and baseness to which Paul is referring. It is not the fact that it’s same-sex sexual behavior. Paul here is concerned that many are following the cravings of their bodies over following Jesus’s way of self-denial. For Paul, it was not so much about specifics — although he pointed some out to various congregations. It was about following the way of love.

Today, there are many believers and people in general that live quiet lives of love and imperfection. Some are in your church, fix your car, work alongside you, teach your children. And some are part of your family, simply pursuing the way of love and fidelity that Jesus, Paul, and other New Testament writers taught.

Some follow Jesus. Some don’t. Either way, the Christian way is to focus on the law of love, which transcends gender, sexuality, and marriage, no matter what you might hear from Christians today.

Or maybe this year can be different.

We could take this month to consider for the first time that perhaps we’ve been mistaken. 

Instead of focusing on corporations, boycotts, and culture wars, we can focus on the people this touches.

Instead of focusing on a few disputable verses in the Bible, consider the themes of scriptures highlighted by Jesus; by Paul; by John. Themes of obedience to the greatest commandment. Themes of restoration of relationship with God and one another. Themes of love.

We could take a cue from Jesus and learn what this means: “I desire mercy, not sacrifice.”

We could sit with a friend or family member that happens to be LGBTQ and listen — actually listen — to their story. Not to change them, or save them, or whatever, but to understand them.

We could read some articles, books, or memoirs that inform us of Biblically Christian arguments that may challenge our firmly held opinions.

We could stop reacting in fear and disgust of “different” and consider things we have in common: love, fidelity, purity, sacrifice.

We could consider that it’s not an abstract or theoretical idea. It’s about real people, creations of God that are tired of being left out.

We could at least consider that not all Christians believe homosexuality is sin.

We could at least admit the Christian church has treated the LGBTQ community horribly.

We could at least remember that lesbian, gay, and bisexual youth were more than twice as likely to have attempted to kill themselves than their heterosexual peers.*

We could, but so many of us won’t.

“We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.” – Elie Wiesel

It’s LGBTQ+ Pride Month — an opportunity to learn and grow.

We could, if we choose to.

For further reading:

• D. Gushee, Changing Our Mind.
• K. Keen, Scripture, Ethics, and the Possibility of Same-Sex Relationships.
• J. Lee, Torn: Rescuing the Gospel from the Gays-vs.-Christians Debate. A memoir of a gay Christian’s experience.
• W. Loader, M. K. DeFranza, W. Hill, S. R. Holmes, Two Views on Homosexuality, the Bible, and the Church. A balanced and respectful conversation of different views.
• M. Vines, God and the Gay Christian: The Biblical Case in Support of Same-Sex Relationships.
• K. Wilson, A Letter to My Congregation.
• Website. The Reformation Project. “Brief Biblical Case for LGBTQ inclusion” A helpful source for a short, introductory read.

Throughout the years, I learned to measure everything I heard – messages from pastors, books, and individuals – with the person of Jesus Christ. I never got the bracelet, but I was a “WWJD” guy. Although I frequently failed, my Christian walk was measured by how I lived, not just what was in my head.

One of the things I liked about Jesus was his fierce adherence to love, even in the face of upsetting the religious status quo.

These religious leaders wanted to protect the system. They believed God wanted them to be gatekeepers of behavior. In the gospels, Jesus was showing them another way.

Today, many Christians worry about compromising with sin, becoming like the world, or going down a slippery slope. They live the Christian life walking through what they see as a minefield of temptation. The warnings are often manifested from a deep dread of becoming like secular culture. Terms like “social justice,” “deconstruction,” “gender issues,” and “liberal theology” spark a christianized fight or flight response.

Sometimes, these Christians feel victimized, because they believe their culture and country have become less “Christian” in the past 60 years. For them, society, and even the church has compromised, given in, or become more like “the world.”

So their focus is to set oneself apart from the world based on behavioral codes and following theological categories. Besides believing in Jesus, one must believe in the “Biblical” definition of marriage, male headship, the role of government, racism (or lack thereof), human sexuality, etc. It’s a long list.

Like Jesus, the apostle Paul got a lot of pushback for following a message of love and dismissing religious trappings. To those that would focus on these, Paul gives a simple, summative statement: “The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.” Galatians 5:6. 

In Galatians, Paul was writing to a group of Jewish followers of Christ that was trying to hold onto a religious practice meant as a symbol for God’s chosen people. Circumcision was instituted during the time of Abraham and reinforced later under Moses. It was repeated in Scripture and was a physical hallmark of faith. Paul was warning them that this observance of circumcision was getting in the way. What had started as a symbol of obeying God had metastasized into a distraction from following Jesus. Adhering to these commands had become central, instead of Jesus of Nazareth. 

And that’s what’s happening today.

Instead of centering on the person of Jesus Christ, there is a focus on knowledge of the Bible, finely tuned theology, and an arbitrary moral code. This is where it gets tricky. Every Christian has a set of beliefs. At one time or another, they have to determine which of these beliefs are central to their faith. Call it deconstruction, call it Bible meditation, or just call it thinking – every Christian has to determine which beliefs are essential, and which are not.

Sadly, In the evangelical world, any examination of faith, rethinking of what the Bible says, or asking difficult questions is usually met with correction born of fear.

In reality, Jesus and Paul were the most radical deconstructionists compared to many ex-evangelicals today. Jesus abolished the dietary law in the gospels and in the book of Acts (Mark 7:14-23, Acts 10:9-16). Jesus redefined the Sabbath (Mark 2:23-28). Jesus and the disciples broke down walls between Jews and non-Jews.

But won’t that focus on love devolve into people behaving however they want? That was probably the question posed to Paul. In Romans 13, Paul reassures the believers that “the law” is fulfilled by obeying one command: “Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law. The commandments, ‘You shall not commit adultery,’ ‘You shall not murder,’ ‘You shall not steal,’ ‘You shall not covet,’ and whatever other command there may be, are summed up in this one command: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore, love is the fulfillment of the law.”

It seems too easy to be believed. It’s certainly simple, but a faith of love is much more demanding than box-checking. It’s a lot easier for me to refrain from murdering my neighbor than to actually love them, care for them, and work for their best.

When we stop living by “Christian rules,” and simply follow Jesus in the way of love, the Christian life becomes less about us and more about God and others. We become more compassionate, more loving, and for all intents and purposes more “Christian.”

And when we let go of the fear or the need to control those around us, we look more and more like Jesus.

At this point, I’m often accused of ignoring God’s judgment and wrath in the Bible – that I’m picking and choosing which parts of the Bible to obey. They have a point. I was taught to take the Bible as a whole and look for overarching themes. It seems that occurrences of God’s wrath were slow, rare and had the purpose of restoration, not retribution. God’s higher purpose was and is redemption, relationship, and yes, love.

The Bible is a complicated and ancient manuscript. In fact, Christians that use the phase, “the Bible clearly says” without explanation is a sure indicator they haven’t read much of it.

When I made my convictions on LGBTQ issues public, an old friend, who happened to be an evangelical pastor, reached out to me. He was kind. He was respectful. He questioned me, and later recommended a book I should read.

I assume his motives were good, but it had been decades – decades – since we had spoken. And this was the issue he wanted to catch up on. I got the feeling he was trying to straighten me out for what he thought was my own good. 

I still consider him a brother and a kindhearted fellow, but it made me think that perhaps he’s missing something important in Christianity — something that the church is missing.

I wish that day I had told him to not be afraid. That Jesus was bigger than our theology. That the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.

In the Sermon on the Mount, I read we have to walk through the narrow gate to receive life: “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” (Matthew 7:13-14)

As a young Christian, I thought the narrow gate had to do with personal morality, purity, and living a “sin-free life.” As I’ve grown older and hopefully more mature, I’ve learned the wide road has more to do with legalism and religiosity, vs Jesus’s narrow gate of love.

What Christianity needs is not the fearful, careful gatekeeping of behavior, but the robust, courageous, life-giving faith Jesus modeled, and his followers wrote about 2000 years ago.

Depending on how affirming your church is, some of these individuals have integrated this into their identity, no longer hiding. Some choose to conceal it for a time (from others and perhaps from themselves). Others simply keep it quiet and keep a part of themselves separate, but embrace their gay identities away from church. Still others are trying to pray the gay away, silently suffering, carrying a weight they were not meant to carry. In the past few years, the evangelical church has developed a strategy to deal with what they consider the “same-sex attraction issue.”

In the face of an undeniable reality, some in the evangelical church are finally acknowledging that gay and lesbian people are born what they call “same-sex attracted,” and that we shouldn’t try to change them. At first blush, this seems like a move in the right direction. Perhaps the church is becoming accepting and has pulled their head out of the sand. Perhaps they’re acknowledging not all people are born cisgender and straight. Certainly individuals like Preston Sprinkle are ready to admit the inhumanity of the church toward LGBTQ+ people, but they stop short.

In the past, the church thought lesbian and gay people chose an aberrant “lifestyle.” Both the desire and the act was condemned as sin. After that, they believed people with “those desires” experienced childhood trauma or abuse and so became homosexual. Cue the ex-gay movement and conversion therapy of the 80s and 90s like Exodus International. These organizations have largely imploded on themselves, their founders and proponents issuing apologies and confessions that not only did these “ministries” fail to convert anyone from being gay, but they did damage by helping people deny who they are.

Now, instead of pushing the LGBTQ+ out, the church wants to create a familial community to fill the gap that a marital relationship would provide. They are delineating between desires and actions. They’re also crossing their fingers – I mean praying – that the gayness will evaporate. “It’s OK to be gay (I guess), but you must remain celibate, or enter into a heterosexual marriage.” This is the church’s latest attempt at what they call compassion.

They do not see that this position is even more destructive.

Here’s the cruelty of it: in an already isolating reality of experiencing being different and a hated minority, the gay community is being told to further isolate themselves by committing to a life of celibacy. They’re being told that the only way to be faithful to Jesus is to accept this fate and rely upon a church to supplement their need for relationship, love, and connection — a church that has hated and scorned them.

If someone who loves Jesus and is LGBTQ+ decides to attend and serve at a church, then decides one day to become involved with and perhaps marry someone of the same sex, that person must be confronted, dealt with, and marginalized. They would be treated as a non-believer. It doesn’t matter what they think or believe about Jesus or God, they would be “in sin.” 

In other words, “You’re welcome to come to our church, just don’t bring your spouse. In fact, keep your sexuality hidden from view.”

To them, it would be the same as if one day I, a heterosexual man, decided to cheat on my wife and have an affair. To them, it’s all sexual sin.

There are many that call themselves same-sex attracted or even LGBTQ+, but have the conviction or desire to remain celibate. I think of individuals like Bridget Eileen Rivera or a close friend of mine. Both believe that God has called them to remain unmarried, but they also hold that every individual must follow their own conviction. 

Yet there are many that choose to be in an intimate committed relationship. There are many that don’t feel the conviction or calling of celibacy or of remaining single. There are many that want to enter into a committed, agape-loving relationship with another human being.

Do they love God any less? Is the fruit of the spirit not in their lives? Are they somehow less of a Christian?

This new tack by the church is not compassion. This is an attempt to control behavior while playing the part of being compassionate. This allows the church to check a box, pat itself on the back, and call itself “accepting,” “open,” “tolerant,” and even “loving.”

While there are many who have the conviction of celibacy for themselves, to mandate a prohibition against same-sex sexual relationships is not compassion. It’s deceitful, constricting, and manipulative.

The root of this problem is a misunderstanding of what it takes to please God. The thinking goes something like this: In order to please God, one must follow a set of prescribed rules. Some of the rules we like; some of the rules we don’t like. Either way, God knows best, so follow these rules whether we understand or agree with them. If we think about or question the rules, we are deceiving ourselves. And because our hearts are deceitful above all things, we cannot trust our reasoning.

Actually, according to the Bible, the rules are there to help us carry out the commandment of love. At the heart of God’s prohibitions of sexual immorality is the goal to treat others with respect and love. Paul cautions against sexual immorality by reminding the Thessalonians that sexual immorality takes advantage of a brother or sister:

 “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister.” (1 Thessalonians 4:3-6a). 

Sexual immorality is about satisfying one’s own selfish desires. It’s immoral because it becomes all about self, and not about loving others. It is “out of control.” And like any selfish sin, leads to emptiness and lack of purpose. This can happen in hetero as well as gay sexual relationships.

When Christians talk of rules, lines, and statutes, they’re focused on arbitrary commands instead of the law of love, which Jesus brought forth. 

While there are many who have the conviction of celibacy for themselves, to mandate a prohibition against same-sex sexual relationships is not compassion. It’s deceitful, constricting, and manipulative.

Beware of the church’s new strategy masquerading as compassion. Although they acknowledge who you are and how you’re created, the moment that you act upon this identity; the moment you stop believing these desires are sinful; the moment that you want to enter into a loving committed connection with another human being is the moment that you are not welcome.

As much as I valued the class, this information about Christ could go bad quickly. We, young seminarians, were tempted to think we could learn everything about him—at least everything important. We thought we could put him in our human-made categories, examine him under the microscope, and pull him from the shelf when needed. 

We had the hubris to think we had Jesus figured out.

Theology is the finite study of an infinite God. It’s a worthwhile pursuit, but its very nature is that it’s incomplete and wanting.

God cannot be contained.

Although theology helps us organize our shared biblical principles, the core of Christianity is about loving God and people, not simply getting theology right.

Learning information is not knowing.

A dangerous mistake Christians and many leaders make is that we imagine we could know Jesus through studying about Jesus.

Similarly, we mistakenly believe spiritual maturity is measured by our knowledge of theology or of the Bible.

Theology misused can even move into a space that only God should occupy. We can forget that God is not a paradigm, philosophy, or idea, but a person with whom we have a relationship.

Again, biblical information or theology can lead us to knowing God, but often theology masquerades as maturity. When we find comfort in theology rather than the person of Christ, it is serving as an idol.

Paul warned the Corinthian church that their focus on knowledge was leading them away from God, not toward God: 

“Now regarding your question about food that has been offered to idols. Yes, we know that ‘we all have knowledge’ about this issue. But while knowledge makes us feel important, it is love that strengthens the church. Anyone who claims to know all the answers doesn’t really know very much. But the person who loves God is the one whom God recognizes” (1 Corinthians 8:1-3).

Sadly, we are often led by pastors and ministers who are experts in theology, but whose prayer life is stunted. They understand doctrine but struggle to articulate or model how to love others. They have Bible information, but their love for God and people have cooled. We’re all guilty of this on some level. These are the people we hire and choose to lead our churches. Love, relationship, and connection with Jesus are devalued. Knowledge, expertise, and “know-how” are prized.

In many contexts, “right theology” has replaced relationship and mystery.

When I was a child, my mother would take us on errands. We would pile into the ‘74 Ford Country Squire station wagon. Yes, it had fake wood side panels. I can still feel the vinyl sticking to the back of my thighs holding me in place. The seatbelts had long slipped below the seats, unused for years. 

“Where are we going?” I would ask.

We rarely got any more than the answer, “You’ll see.” Perhaps she would say, “Errands.”

That was enough for me. I trusted my mother. I figured she knew, so I felt safe. 

We Christians want to contain the Christian life and our relationship with God; we want to categorize and understand it, rather than trust the driver of the relationship, God.

Frankly, we want to be in control. But control is God’s part in the relationship. 

READ: Deconstruction’s Critics Are Those With Much to Lose

God is the one that is driving. 

God is the one that takes us where God wants us to go.

God is God.

In the gospels, many turn to follow Jesus but do not have a full understanding of just who he is. They know enough, though. At least Jesus thought they knew enough. I think of the woman at the well in John 4 and the demon possessed man in Mark 5. Both have a conversion experience with Jesus, but do not remotely understand completely who Jesus is. Both are then qualified to give testimony about Jesus, and as a result, many turned to Jesus. The healed demoniac asks to follow Jesus, but Jesus says no:

“As Jesus was getting into the boat, the man who had been demon-possessed begged to go with him. Jesus did not let him, but said, ‘Go home to your own people and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you.’ So the man went away and began to tell in the Decapolis how much Jesus had done for him. And all the people were amazed.” (Mark 5:20)

Jesus seems satisfied with letting the disciples and the Church learn of his nature gradually, even after his resurrection. It wasn’t until the 5th century, for example, that the western church agreed on the nature of Jesus Christ, the hypostatic union, or the idea that Jesus is completely human and completely God in one person. That’s pretty basic to Christianity, but I’m convinced that those who didn’t get Jesus’s nature just right weren’t believing in “another Jesus.”

So, should we study or even read the Bible, then?

Yes! The study of God’s word helps guide us to God. The Bible is the word of God given to us by God through human authors in the context of their cultures and experiences. It teaches us concepts about God, and God’s interaction with human kind, most specifically and importantly the person of Jesus Christ. 

But it’s a means to an end—to know Christ.

How do we, then, connect with God?

What is most amazing is that we can connect with God in a personal way through prayer. As I pray to the Jesus I studied, I am left in awe of how much I don’t know about him. And as much as I loved that class, and as important as it was, I don’t need it to pray or know Jesus. The study enriched my walk with Christ, but it wasn’t necessary to it. What is necessary for my Christian life is to talk to him frequently. 

Where do we start?

Invite Jesus into your day—in every moment, relationship, and interaction. In this way, you are acknowledging his presence and power over your life. You’ll be surprised how you’ll become more cognizant of his presence throughout your day. 

Pray “word” or “sentence prayers” to God throughout the day, particularly giving thanks for small things. People in your life, situations, small and big blessings. Sometimes I’ll hear a song or finish a task and simply whisper, “thank you, Lord.”

Pray for help in situations. Again, this isn’t necessarily a long prayer. Often, it’s one word: “Help.”

Look for ways God is working in your life. This usually shows up in opportunities to love people—usually people that might be difficult to love.

“No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.” 1 John 4:12.

When you find a truth in scripture, talk to God about it.

Today, enjoy your journey with God. Learn about Jesus, let him in, and enjoy the mystery, knowing you’ll never know everything. 

But you’ll know enough.

Seats shift.

Arms cross.

Eyes look down. 

A few make nervous jokes.

Some voices are affirming. Others are not.

“Weird.” 

“I don’t get it.”

“Not natural.” 

“Love the sinner; hate the sin.” 

This last one is perhaps the most dangerous. It allows one to accuse another of sin while at the same time telling one’s self and others they are being loving. The youth pastor attempts to provide a sincere explanation that “their” same sex attraction is no different than “our” desire for other sexual sin. 

Meanwhile the kid’s eyes search for the closest exit, having now inferred that they aren’t included in God’s kingdom. 

This kid has no agenda. They have no part in the Christian culture wars of the last few decades. They are not trying to stir the pot or rebel. Most of these students are not even sexually active. This is not an “out of control lust.” They just know they have an attraction for whom they have an attraction. They’re figuring out who they are. 

Their attraction and identity is hugely complicated, and multiple studies have confirmed that it’s not a “lifestyle” or “choice” any more than heterosexuality is a lifestyle. 

What room is there for the gay kid?

I posed this question to a youth pastor last year. We were discussing the very practical issue of LGBTQ+ kids that attend youth groups at church. How do we welcome them? How do we love them? Though we didn’t completely agree, it was a respectful and needed conversation. It’s a complicated issue and very sensitive for many. In past decades, most kids who would identify as LGBTQ+ would stay in the closet at least until they left for college. Nowadays, coming out is happening earlier and earlier. For some, there is no closet.

This reality is not going anywhere, and the modern evangelical church is not handling it well.

Many church leaders have the conviction that the Bible teaches that all homosexual acts are sinful, even in marriage. Their resulting policies are varied. Some are transparent about their objection in an attempt to abate the “rising threat of sexual impurity” among believers and in our culture. 

Most are more passive, hoping the subject doesn’t come up and that gay believers stay quiet, asexual, or perhaps don’t show up to church at all. Thankfully, it is now widely acknowledged that efforts to change sexual orientation through “therapy” or “praying the gay away” is destructive. The now infamous Exodus International organization whose president, Alan Chambers renounced the efforts to convert homosexuals, now sees these efforts as fruitless and even harmful. Studies show that lesbian, gay, and bisexual teens are twice as likely to have attempted suicide than their heterosexual peers.

Some faith leaders want to minister to gay believers and help them find peace with their sexuality and God through celibacy. Although some LGBTQ+ people have the conviction to practice celibacy (just as some straight-identifying people do), that conviction is far from a mandate that all LGBTQ+ people must be celibate. Some pastors are hesitant to reveal this view, because it drives away members that don’t share this conviction. Again, many pastors believe that the LGBQT identity doesn’t exist or is something to be put away; many believe it’s simply a sexual predilection that’s part of their “brokenness.”

READ: Good Fruit and Where We’ve Gotten it Wrong

Let’s widen the question a bit.

A gay man has been coming to church for years, keeping his personal life quiet and hidden from the rest of the congregation, fearing rejection. Some ask him, “When are you going to get married?”

A transgender man visits church just once. Few talk to him. He receives the unspoken message from the church: “We don’t know what to do with you. Please leave.”

A lesbian woman has embraced her sexuality and has the conviction to stay celibate. The few with whom she has shared this never bring the subject up again. She struggles daily, and seeks others with whom she can share this struggle. She doesn’t feel there’s a place in the church for her.

For all of these individuals, they are keenly aware that who they are is objected to, at least by some in the church. And so, they drift from the faith community and perhaps from God. 

This is not the case of all churches, but a majority of mainstream, evangelical churches are in denial about this reality.

I am a child of God, a follower of Jesus. This is my most important identity. My LGBTQ Christian neighbors are fellow children of God and siblings in Christ. This is where our unity lies.

But I’m also a white, heterosexual man. When I became a believer, I didn’t stop being a white, hetero man. I just prioritized those identities in light of my identity in Christ. Even though I became a new creation, I didn’t ignore other aspects of who I am. I submitted them to my identity in Christ. My sexuality shouldn’t rule me, but our sexuality is a part of who we are. It’s not the center of my identity, but it’s definitely a part of it. 

Ironically, the church is over-focused on sexuality as much as the LGBTQ community has been accused of over-focusing on sexuality. Sexuality is a secondary issue compared to the central issues — the persons of God and the means of salvation. By secondary, I don’t mean unimportant. Many churches have made the LGBTQ conversation a litmus test for being a believer. In effect, they have unwittingly added to the gospel and have placed a burden on believers that God did not create.

But there is hope.

What if we, wherever we land in this discussion, embraced each other as Jesus modeled for us? What would it look like if we focused on the person and work of Christ — his life, death, and resurrection — versus seeking who should be left out of God’s kingdom? What if we loved each other as Christ commanded? What if we didn’t cut off relationships from those that disagree, and rather talked about it. Instead of ignoring the topic or creating a hard policy of complementarianism, what if we humbly came to the scripture, acknowledging that different believers have different Biblical convictions. Talk about it from the pulpit, in small groups, and in classes, presenting reasonable, Biblical arguments on both sides. Invite people with opposing views to reasonably discuss the issue, modeling Christ’s love and acceptance. Sadly, this is unlikely to happen in today’s climate, but it is something for which to strive. There is power when believers can unite in Christ, in spite of differing on this issue, but not ignoring it.

What if we engaged?

Perhaps 60% of anyone at your church has a close friend or family member that identifies as LGBTQ+. That means you probably know someone in the LGBTQ+ community. At the very least, we need to be careful with our comments, examining our hearts and prejudices. Please know LGBTQ+ people don’t need your correction or judgment. Like all humans, they need your unqualified love. 

There are kids, teens, and adults at your church that are LGBTQ+. They’re wondering if there’s a place for them. And more will be coming. Or maybe they won’t. Not because they aren’t seeking Christ, community, and Biblical truth, but because they’re tired of being rejected. They’re tired of looking for the exit. 

How will we do this better?